Every HRD will have no-doubt heard employees, leaders, and even (or especially), executives utter something along the lines of: “That’s just how I am,” or “I can’t change,” or “I won’t change who I really am.”
Such declarations might seem like steadfast affirmations of self-identity, but they often reveal deeper issues, like arrogance, fear of vulnerability, and a fixed mindset.
At the core of these assertions could lie a profound fear of vulnerability.
Admitting the capacity for change implies acknowledging flaws and imperfections, which can be intimidating for those who equate vulnerability with weakness.
By insisting on their immutable nature, individuals protect themselves from the perceived threat of exposure and judgment.
The arrogance of ‘it’s just who I am’
Someone asserting that their behavior is “just the way I am” often exudes arrogance by implying that their methods and behaviors are beyond critique or improvement, suggesting a belief in their own infallibility.
This attitude dismisses the value of others’ perspectives and the idea of collective growth.
For some, the phrase “that’s just how I am” serves as a cornerstone of their identity, offering a sense of consistency and predictability in a rapidly changing world.
After all, altering fundamental aspects of oneself can feel like losing a piece of one’s identity, leading to resistance against any kind of change.
However, that can also reflect a fixed mindset, where people believe their qualities are set in stone, leading to avoidance of challenges and a reluctance to change.
In contrast, those with a growth mindset view their traits as malleable, embracing personal development and learning from experiences.
Leadership dangers
None of those mindsets are good, but they’re especially bad when they’re held by leaders.
When a leader adopts a “that’s just the way I am” mindset, they essentially close the door to personal growth and adaptation, which are key elements of effective leadership.
This stance limits a leader’s ability to respond to the diverse needs and styles of their team members, potentially leading to a lack of engagement, decreased morale, and suboptimal performance across the board.
What we found
Data from the test, “What’s Your Communication Style?” reveals that three quarters of employees have a different communication style than their boss.
Far worse is that when a style mismatch occurs, the employee’s engagement is 10-21% lower (depending on the severity of the divergence).
A simple fix would, of course, be for the boss to adjust their communication style to better match the needs of their team.
Communicating with more data or prioritizing feelings, proceeding step-by-step or jumping right to the end point, don’t seem like tremendously difficult changes to make.
Yet more than a few leaders respond to the suggestion that they be the ones to adapt their communication style with an aggrieved or defensive, “That’s just how I am!”
Just Who I am in the real world
You can also see this play out with executives who issue draconian return-to-office edicts and then react angrily and defensively to any critiques of these directives.
The examples are too many to list here, but Elon Musk’s response to people who think remote work is a viable concept encapsulates the sentiment nicely: “They should pretend to work somewhere else.”
Even in hybrid situations, the data is clear that employees prefer Mondays and Fridays as work-from-home days. Yet there are still executives who, if they even offer a work-from-home day, make it Wednesday or Thursday, as though acceding to employee preferences would signal the end of business as we know it.
So, what’s to be done about all this?
There are a few options. First, whenever you have the option, do not put people with this “that’s just the way I am” mindset into leadership roles.
It sounds harsh, but this mindset is difficult to correct and it does not bode well for success as a leader.
Second, assuming you already have leaders with this mindset, you can start gently trying to break it down.
Tackling arrogance, fear of vulnerability, and a fixed mindset directly can be tough, but the following exercise often works to get the ball rolling.
Offer a leader with this mindset a scenario like the following: Imagine our customers stopped buying our products or services because our prices are 10% too high.
What would we do? Almost without fail, executives and managers say, “Cut prices by 10%.” (Even the notoriously obstinate Elon Musk has repeatedly cut Tesla prices).
When you ask them “why” they would agree to cut prices, you’ll typically hear pretty rational explanations about responding to market demands, etc.
You can then take this deeper and pose a scenario like: “Now imagine that our board chairperson (or biggest investor or someone equally prominent and hierarchically superior), told you that they only listened to people who wear all black. What would you do?”
Again, it’s not hard to get the vast majority of leaders to say, “Well, of course, I’d start wearing all black anytime I saw that person.”
You can construct any number of similar scenarios, but the point in all of them is showing that leader how easily they made a change without arrogance, fear of vulnerability, or a fixed mindset.
And bit-by-bit, you can start making those connections more explicit.
Saying, “That’s just how I am” is not just a cop out; it’s representative of deeper issues and dangerous to any organization.
And it’s a mindset that we need to call out and stop elevating further up the organizational hierarchy.
We wouldn’t tolerate a leader who refused to accept feedback from our biggest customer, so why do we accept it when a leader refuses to adapt for the betterment of their team?